"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
--Jim Carrey
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
--Jay Mohr
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
--Jake Johansen
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
--Lily Tomlin
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni